Ah, the nineties. It was a simpler time when the President could play saxophone and when execs decided their movies needed treatment from an artist to concisely tell the same story as the movie -- but in rap form because... I don't really know why. But thus was born the most redundant cash-grab genre ever -- the rap-song-that-details-the-plot-of-a-movie-and-also-you-can-hear-the-song-on-the-radio-for-free-but-the-movie-costs-like-five-bucks-or-something-and-in-addition-takes-85-minutes-longer-to-tell-the-exact-same-story. Here are six examples of the worst offenders. (Editor's note: I wish I could include "The Reaper Rap" from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, but it's just a guitar riff and movie quotes -- no rapping, despite what the title implies.)
6. "Wild, Wild West" by Will Smith from Wild, Wild West (1999)
Let's listen as the Fresh Prince paints us a sonic picture. "Once upon a time in the west, a madman lost his damn mind in the west. Loveless giving up a dime, nothing less. Now, I must put his behind to the test." Or, maybe not. At least it's got that "wicka-wild" hook that will not leave your head for several days, no matter how hard you try.
5. "Addams Groove" by MC Hammer from The Addams Family (1991)
Let's listen as Hammer paints us a sonic picture. "I remember the day I needed to borrow a little bit of pepper for my chicken. The next thing you know, coming at me was a hand with fingers high stepping!" Okay, I give up on the sonic picture thing. If you are truly brave (and already somewhat unhinged), see how long you can endure this ten minute loop of a one-second clip from the song.
4. "Space Jam" by Quad City DJs from Space Jam (1996)
Taking a man who can't act and putting him in front of a green screen for ninety minutes is like taking a group that can't sing or write and asking them to do the theme song. Oh, wait. And just in case you had already forgotten who the Quad City DJs were by late '96, they included a rousing chorus of "hoop, there it is!" to remind you and drive you even more insane than that "wicka-wild" bit did.
3. "Turtle Power" by Partners in Kryme from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
"They could terrorize and be angry youths. They mugged people. Who needed proof? Then, from out of the dark came an awesome sound! They shouted cowabunga as they hit the ground. From the field of weeds, the heroes rescued the flower because they possessed turtle power." Yep. That is exactly how the movie played out. Partners in Kryme thankfully dropped off the face of the planet after this track, so the producers were forced to lower their standards somewhat for the sequel soundtrack and settle for Vanilla Ice.
2. "Cool as Ice (Everybody Get Loose) by Vanilla Ice from Cool as Ice (1991)
And speaking of Vanilla Ice... Somehow, this Floridian plagiarist's star had reached critical mass in 1991 and he got his own movie about how hard it is to be Vanilla Ice. It was like Eight Mile but without a white rapper. If you thought "Ice Ice Baby" (or its nu-metal remake, yeah that happened) was his greatest affront to the music world, then you don't know Vanilla Ice. On "Cool as Ice (etc.)," we get to hear how litigious he can be with people who were spawned from his electrical equipment. Don't believe me? Check out this gem of a vocal: "lyrical lawyer suing al the suckers on the mic that bore ya."
1. "Conehead Love" by Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain from Coneheads (1993)
Finally we get a great musician -- an actual Blues Brother! All will be well. Let's listen as Elwood Blues paints us a sonic picture. "I'll never understand this planet, the way these humans love to ram it. Don't want to hold my cone alone." Oh. Oh, no. Just... just never mind.
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